There are four English words that negatively impact your interaction with others.
- But
I was the self-appointed international president of the YES, BUT society. My wife confronted me in the kitchen and said, “I’m tired of all of your BUTS.” She took a canning jar from the cabinet, started pounding a hole in the cover, and I exclaimed, “What are you doing?”
“Just hold on,” she said and then confronted me. “Every time you say BUT, I will hold up my hand as your signal to put 25 cents in the jar. At the end of six months, we will give this money to some organization you intensely dislike.”
Convinced there would only be a small sum, I agreed. After six months, I had filled three jars and sent a cashier’s check to the KKK somewhere in Alabama. I’m nearly free of BUTS.
We learn “yeah-but” as children. BUT is a divisive, combative word and negates the YES which usually precedes BUT. Polite people do not confront the YES, BUT person; they walk away confused and upset.
The word AND is a uniting word. Example: “I really like your brown coat, AND I think you would look good in black.”
- Try
Billy, a bright 13-year-old, constantly challenged his teacher with chaos producing questions and comments. To deal with him, the teacher would say, “Billy, we’ll try that next time it happens.” “Billy, you ask good questions so let the class try to answer that when we get to the topic next week.”
Billy did not realize the teacher had mastered the art of diversion and deflection. The questions raised by Billy were never addressed, and Billy forget what questions and comments he raised earlier.
Try is a socially acceptable lie. Example: “We’ll try to get that bill through congress.” It’s a put down and put off. It has no credibility. The purpose of TRY is to change the subject, divert the conversation, or take someone off your back.
The word DO is preferred. DO is an action word and implies commitment to the task.
- Should
Sons three and four shared a bedroom. One day both had their audio players cranked up to highest volume. Younger son ran upstairs to the kitchen where he exclaimed, “My brother just ‘should’ all over me. He can’t do that, he’s not my parent. Why didn’t he just say, TURN OFF THE MUSIC?”
Should is a guilt producing word. It does not provide choice of options. People-pleasing people often say, “OK” without meaning it and walk away grumbling in silence. Example: “You should be home by 10 p.m.” “You should not use your phone on Sunday.”
COULD and WOULD are preferred words. “COULD” is filled with choices and options. Example: “I prefer that you WOULD be home by 10 p.m.” “You COULD be home by 10 p.m.” Always look at your options.
- Why?
As a lawyer, Samuel treats his family like he treats persons on trial. WHY is his chief weapon, making potential convicts defensive, forcing them to recall minute situations and incidents hoping to trap them in lies or indefensible positions.
Samuel asked his son, “Why did you come home late?” This question is a judgment resulting in a defensive response and often a lie, if a teenager is responding.
Why do you always react with a question? Another judgment.
Why didn’t you get an “A” instead of a “B”? Another judgment.
These are not questions. They are judgments made in anger. They do not search for the truth; they are blaming statements.
Instead of WHY, the word WHAT is better since it is a search for information while WHY challenges motivation. The question, “Why did you behave that way?” is easily replaced by “What happened?”
The word WHY, used in scientific inquiry, is legitimate. Why does medicine A negatively interact with medicine B? Why did my lawnmower break down? Why won’t my car start in cold weather? These are legitimate why questions.
